Teen Relationship Anxiety
Helping Your Teen Navigate Dating
By: Sarah Rogers, MA, LPC, CCTP, NCC
Do you remember when you were a child, beginning to get older and hearing about peers beginning to be more and more interested in relationships with other peers? At first it was odd, and makes you think of the whole “cooties” accusations that were given in elementary school. Then, eventually you or your close friends may have begun having the interest. It is fun and exciting, but also can be greatly stressful. Since you are reading this blog today, I might assume that you have a child of your own, about to begin this new journey. You began to realize that your child is not quite a child anymore. They start talking about crushes, texting someone they like, wanting to go on dates, or becoming interested in romantic relationships. Sometimes, this can bring excitement; for others, it can bring a whole lot of worry.
Dating is already a complex concept to many adults. Trying to figure out the world of dating for teenagers while they are actively attempting to figure out and develop themselves is a whole other ball game. Add in social media, peer pressure, school, friendships, and the assumption that everyone else has dating figured out, it isn’t complicated to see why relationships can become a source of anxiety.
Having relationship anxiety can make this even more difficult. Teenagers could be concerned about whether someone likes them, whether they are attractive enough, whether they are texting too much, or whether a relationship is going to end. They might stay in relationships that are not healthy because they are afraid of being alone or believe they will not find someone else. Parents and guardians do not have to be keeping teens away from relationships. They can begin helping them learn how to recognize healthy relationships, trust themselves, set boundaries, and understand that they never need to rush into something just because everyone else seems to be doing it.
What Is Teen Relationship Anxiety?
Teenagers are naturally beginning to explore independence, and romantic relationships can be a part of that process. Relationships can give teens opportunities to learn about communication, boundaries, emotional vulnerability, and how to resolve conflict. Teens are also developing emotionally and socially. The parts of the brain responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and considering long-term consequences continue developing throughout adolescence and into young adulthood (National Institute of Mental Health, 2023).
Relationship anxiety can show up in many different ways. It can look like repeatedly checking a phone for a response, worrying that a partner is upset, or feeling devastated after an argument. Some teens may even begin changing themselves because they are afraid of losing the other person. Social media can make these feelings even stronger, leading to teens comparing their relationship to unrealistic or exaggerated relationships discovered online. This opens a whole new world and ideas to try to process while their brains are already trying to make sense of their current developmental stage.
Why Teen Dating Can Feel So Overwhelming
As a licensed professional counselor who works with teenagers, one thing I have heard often is how they feel like they are supposed to be older than they actually are. I have sat with teenagers who are worried about a relationship while simultaneously trying to keep up with school, friendships, social media, appearance, and questions about their future. Sometimes the relationship is only one piece of a much larger amount of stress. I have heard them say frequently that they should “know how to handle” these situations already, or be able to “deal with this”. Even adults don’t know how to handle every relationship difficulty, much less a teenager learning and growing every day.
Peer Pressure and the Need to Fit In
Another topic that is also discussed is teenagers feeling like they need to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, because their friends do. They could feel embarrassed about not having relationship experience and rush into physical or emotional situations because they believe that is what growing up is supposed to look like. This stressor can be a huge add on that they might not be ready for themselves, rushing to achieve some type of social acceptance.
As adults, it can be easy to look at these concerns and think, "You're only a teenager. You have plenty of time!"
And they do…
As adults, we know this. But as a teenager, it certainly does not feel like it. The pressure doesn’t feel small to them. It is very much real to them in the moment. Their relationships can be an emotionally important experience, possibly one of the most intense experience have had so far. I’ve heard teens stating that their parents say this is just “teen drama”. When in fact, it is very real and very overpowering for them.
A Relationship Exercise for Parents of Teens
Have you found your teen in this stage of life? Getting excited and possibly ready at the thought of talking to someone they like? It could be beneficial to consider how you as a parent or guardian typically respond.
Do you immediately ask a lot of questions?
Do you focus on whether you approve of the person?
Do you tell your teen what they should or should not do?
With those types of questions, they might feel more interrogated than seen and heard. Try asking questions that encourage reflection rather than giving immediate advice.
"What do you like about this person?"
"How do you feel when you're around them?"
"Do you feel like you can be yourself?"
"How do they respond when you disagree?"
"Do you feel respected?"
These questions help teens begin developing their own relationship judgment rather than relying entirely on a parent to tell them what is healthy. This can greatly encourage open conversations between parent and child, and possibly minimize relationship anxiety.
How Parents Can Support Healthy Teen Relationships
Talk About Healthy Relationships Before There Is a Problem
It can be much easier to discuss healthy relationships before your teen is deeply involved in one. Talking about respect, communication, consent, and boundaries can be a great start.
Explain to them that healthy relationships should not require someone to give up parts of their lives.
These conversations do not need to become formal “talks.” You might even want to use something that you know they have an interest in already to ease into it. A character's relationship on a television show, something your teen sees on TikTok, or even a situation involving a friend can open the door to a much easier conversation.
Teach Your Teen to Pay Attention to How They Feel
A helpful question a teen can learn to ask is, "How do I feel when I am around this person?"
A healthy relationship should generally provide a sense of safety and respect. At the same time, that does not mean there will never be disagreements or uncomfortable moments. A part of a having a healthy relationship is learning how to communicate and process through those hard feelings.
If a teen consistently feels anxious, controlled, criticized, pressured, or afraid of upsetting their partner, those feelings deserve attention. Provide guidance to your teen that their emotions are information. They do not have to ignore discomfort simply because they care about someone.
Help Your Teen Understand Relationship Boundaries
Teenagers need to know that boundaries apply to relationships too. This is a big one. In my work, I have seen many teenagers not knowing exactly what a boundary is, and also knowing that it is necessary to have boundaries within their relationship to ensure their comfort and happiness.
They are allowed to say no, change their mind, take things slowly, and have time away from their partner. A partner should respect those boundaries. Importantly, parents and guardians can help by modeling boundaries at home, especially since teenagers learn a great deal from watching how adults communicate their own needs and respond when someone else says no.
Talk Openly About Teen Relationship Anxiety
Relationship anxiety does not automatically mean that a relationship is unhealthy. Anxiety comes from insecurity, previous experiences, fear of rejection, or simply being new to relationships. As a parent or guardian, you may want to rush to resolve that anxiety for them.
Instead, you can help your teen learn how to separate a feeling from a fact.
"I am afraid they are going to break up with me" is very different from "They are definitely going to break up with me."
Encourage Your Teen to Maintain Their Own Life
A big warning sign that a relationship may be becoming unhealthy is when a teen begins losing themselves in it. Encourage them to continue spending time with friends, participating in activities, keeping up with school, and maintaining interests outside the relationship.
Keep Communication Open With Your Teen
This may be one of the hardest parts for parents.
A parent might dislike your teen's partner, think the relationship is moving too quickly, and notice red flags your teen is not ready to see. Your instinct may be to forbid the relationship immediately.
Safety absolutely requires adult intervention. When it is safe to do so, maintaining open communication can be incredibly valuable. If teens believe their parents will immediately judge or punish them for dating, possibly stopping the teenager from sharing information.
Let your teen know that they can come to you even when they have made a mistake.
Helping Teens Learn From Dating and Relationships
Parents cannot protect their teenagers from every heartbreak, which can be so hard to witness. Trying to do so can sometimes create another problem: teens may become afraid to tell their parents when something goes wrong in the future.
The role of the parent is not to make sure your teen never gets hurt in a relationship. It is to help them recognize what respect and safety look like, and to know that they can come to you when a relationship becomes confusing or painful.
Your teen does not need to know everything about relationships right now. They are going to make mistakes, possibly like people you do not understand, and experience rejection. That is part of growing up, and learning how to get through difficult times with supports around them.
When to Seek Therapy for Teen Relationship Anxiety
Watching your child begin to explore romantic relationships can bring up a lot of emotions for parents. There is a lot of new uncharted areas to work through, and some uncomfortable conversations to be had. You might feel excited for them, worried about them, or even wish you could protect them from every difficult experience that comes with growing up.
Unfortunately, we cannot do that.
What we can do is make sure our teens know what healthy relationships look like and, perhaps even more importantly, that they never have to rush growing up.
The teenage years already come with plenty of pressure. A teenager does not need to know who they will date, marry, or become years from now. What they need is room to make age-appropriate choices, learn from mistakes, and develop a stronger understanding of themselves. If your teen is struggling with relationship anxiety, social pressure, or the stress of growing up too quickly, therapy can provide a place to process through feelings.
References
National Institute of Mental Health. (2023). The teen brain: 7 things to know. National Institutes of Health. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-7-things-to-know
Widman, L., Choukas-Bradley, S., Noar, S. M., Nesi, J., & Garrett, K. (2016). Parent-adolescent sexual communication and adolescent safer sex behavior: A meta-analysis. JAMA Pediatrics, 170(1), 52-61. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamapediatrics.2015.2731
